Aerial Yoga for Beginners: 5 Ways to Maximize Your Personal Hell

Very recently, I took my first aerial yoga class. The trick to learning anything new is to not have to learn too much all at once. I learned a lot from this unique experience. A lot. If I had only known what to expect, I know I could have done a better job making the experience worse. But I did a pretty bang up job to start, and think it’s could be a good place to build up from. So, hang with me a moment to learn, from my hard-earned experience, how you too can make your first-time aerial yoga experience a living hell.

First, be sure to sleep like shit the night before. This is important. You’ll want to get those bio-rhythms all kinds of wack before you do something that requires a) your brain to learn something new and b) requires that extra bit of physical strength and flexibility. I did this on accident, and it worked out great.

Second, with your shitty night’s sleep under your belt, expand that belt a little and eat a large meal less than one hour before your practice. Because energy is key, right? I personally consumed a hearty plate of tofu, veggies, and eggs. That was a healthy choice (go me!), but you can eat a lot of any kind food right before your practice to enhance the shittiness of the experience. In point of fact, the more food of any kind that you consume, the more “flavor” it will add to the many, many inversions you will do in aerial yoga.

No breakfast is complete without your favorite alcoholic beverage. Let’s talk about drinks before your practice. I went for a Bloody Mary because I was out with a friend for breakfast, and friends don’t let friends drink alone. Note: she was NOT taking the class with me. In retrospect, the Bloody Mary was a great choice. The spicy tomato juice plus hard alcohol combination sloshing about my tum as I swayed in my yoga swing just added that extra burn I was craving.

The alcohol can make aerial yoga especially fun for those of you who, like me, suffer from the propensity to get motion sickness. I think I did an especially good job at this one. Because I didn’t consider that aerial yoga takes place in swings, and, as such, that swinging action would then be happening quite a lot, I did not take any motion meds. I also did not wear my sea bands even though I actually had them with me. I was dedicated to fucking myself over, so I successfully resisted the violent urge to disengage myself from my swing and go get them from my purse, just feet away.

My last piece of advice, and truly the crowning achievement of my aerial yoga experience, is to be on your period when you practice. Remember those inversions? Many yoga practitioners don’t recommend doing inversions in general during your period. I have no idea what the medical position is on this advice is, but I will tell you this: it don’t feel all that great to be stretching out those ovaries hanging upside-down position while they’re achy and sensitive. So, I chalked each inversion as a win for me (and my ovaries).

And it gets better: doing aerial yoga on your period means that you get to skip the last 15 to 20 minutes of practice to sit like a chump beneath your swing while everyone else is doing the “wonder woman.” This will prompt your instructor to ask, across the room, if you’re ok. And you get to tell everyone in your loudest yogic whisper back across the room why you are sitting there.

Overall, I think I did a good job making my experience of aerial yoga way tougher than it had to be. I’m sure I could have done more if I was actually trying or giving any modicum of thought to it, but this was a pretty good start. So, for those of you who want to make your first experience of aerial yoga the worst, let’s review:

1. Sleep badly

2. Eat a lot (maybe I’ll try steak next time)

3. Have alcohol (even a little goes a long way)

4. Motion sickness? What?

5. Be on your period if you can swing it

Do some or all of these things, and your reward will be most awesome case of nausea you’ll have probably had in a while. And once you’re done weakly patting yourself on the back for the effort, you can thank me, clap for me or say a little prayer for me for giving you the advice I wish I’d had before endeavoring to create my own little slice of hell on earth with aerial yoga.