5 Mindsets of A Mixed-Belief Marriage

This is the article I wanted the first year of my marriage as a Christian to an atheist.

I was brought up in a conservative Christian household and was taught not to date or marry anyone who did not share my faith. I’m not here to dwell on the arguments for or against this. Since we got married 14 years ago, my spouse has shown me love and care equal to any person of faith.

If you are just entering a marriage or relationship where your partner does not share your world view, I’d like to share five foundational mindsets I’m practicing in my mixed belief marriage. These are things I wish I knew when I first got married because I was in a relationship that I did not have a roadmap for. Most people tend to be with partners who share their beliefs. My family and friends were no exception and didn’t have a road map either.

Of course, there is no exact map for any relationship. But the road still is a rewarding one, and getting help along the way increases your odds to weather the curves and steeps. My partner and I would not be here without the love and help of people who believe in our marriage.

So, that is the first mindset I recommend prioritizing for anyone in a mixed belief marriage: be open to help. Find a group of people who are absolutely, 100% for your relationship. This may not include your immediate family. I am very blessed that my family was supportive. My dad, a Christian minister, said he could not ask for a man who loved his daughter more than my partner does. I did lose some friends which was painful. But we know the people still with us are true friends. These are the people who don’t trash talk my partner or question my choice to marry him. They love us both, and encourage us to work through our challenges. One the biggest challenges in a mixed beliefs marriage is being real about your beliefs and curious about your partner’s.

Have a curious mindset about your partner’s real beliefs, even if it is uncomfortable. Asking your partner real questions about their beliefs can be deeply uncomfortable. But ditching your own agenda and simply listening builds a foundation of mutual trust that is worth it. It will get emotional sometimes, and sometimes, you’ll lose control. Life, death, God the meaning of existence are not light topics, and your foundations will get a good shaking if your partner sees things from a different viewpoint. These conversations can start innocuously enough: a comment on a news article about a religious fanatic or something a friend said about where we go when we die. Asking questions and not assuming one of us has the right answer has helped change the tide of an increasingly intense talk. Asking questions has brought us closer to each other and made us stronger as individuals. But curiosity takes courage.

Practice a courageous mindset. Don’t shy away from the tough conversations, but be mindful of your emotions as you go in. Call a truce when it gets too heated. Something that helped us to practice courage was to make an intentional, spoken agreement from the start of our relationship to respect each other’s beliefs. When debates get heated, we remind each other of that agreement. I disagree with my spouse quite profoundly on some things, but our agreement to be respectful helps us to stay curious and to weather some very difficult conversations. Sharing what you believe and listening to the other person’s side will refine your beliefs and build further respect. I have learned to notice and work through the fear of really evaluating my deepest beliefs when seeing them through the eyes of someone who believes differently. It’s helped me to get closer to what is true about life, the world and the universe because what is true can stand questioning. Speaking openly with my spouse has made me a more relaxed and open person in general. I like who I have become with him. When we are out of our depth or losing it, we return to our love for each other, maybe bring up that agreement to respect each other’s beliefs, and let it go. There’s also a lot of healing power of a good hug. And remember you do share values, if not beliefs.

Be mindful of the values you connect on. You are with this person because you love and like them. You will feel lonely sometimes when their view is a distant cry from yours. For me, especially at the beginning, it felt like living in a foreign country. I was learning a new language, and the mindset behind that language felt hostile at times. Finding shared values, even if we disagree with the origins of those values, has helped. As an example, both my partner and I love to be out in nature and have a desire to care for the planet— I because it is God’s creation, and he, because it’s our home, and both of us because it is beautiful. The outcome of how we live our lives is the same: lots of hiking, picking up trash, and pulling over to admire views. Another example is that we are both committed to discovering what is true, not to what we believe is true. There is a difference, and we both work hard to ask the tough questions of ourselves, not just of each other. Lean into those shared values for the how of living life, and stop trying to win arguments or change the other person regarding the why things.

Shift your mindset from changing your partner to changing yourself. It’s not your responsibility to try to change another person. Commit yourself to loving your partner for exactly who they are. This includes releasing hope that they will change in the future. If you are struggling with the idea that you need to convert or change your spouse to your own mindset or that they will go to hell or some other bad place if you don’t change them, keep working in prayer or in mindfulness to overcome that belief. It is not anyone’s calling to live in fear. It’s everyone’s calling to love. It can be hard work to love with no conditions when you disagree on the meaning of life. I get it. I’m still working on it. It’s a daily practice no matter what kind of marriage you are in. A way we have practiced this mindset is to encourage each other in growing our own soul-practices. I don’t expect him to go to church or pray aloud, but I encourage his enjoyment of being outdoors. He encourages me to get up for the early morning prayer group because he knows it blesses me every time. We support each other in activities that feed the soul, and, even if we are not together, we are happier when we reconnect later.

Prioritizing and practicing these five mindsets of openness, curiosity, courage, connection and acceptance has helped us both become stronger people who can speak each other’s language of belief. My partner is an awesome human, and I see new facets of God’s goodness through him every day. He works to appreciate me for the human I am too. We are equal in our desire for what is real and true. I have no regrets about my choice to marry outside of my faith.

Our similarities brought us together, but our differences have made us stronger. This is the road map that has helped us, and I hope it helps others who are embarking on a similar journey.